Solitude

My mother was out of town. So it was just me & Dad. We both get along pretty well. Very well actually. So here i was, sitting at home, when my dad announced that he had to go out. He sounded guilty, so i looked up from my book and smiled. His eyes still were unsure. I am sorry you'l b alone he said. I started giggling. "Dad! I am not 10. I'l b fine. Infact great. You wont interfere with the TV!",i said quite honestly. He nodded unconvincingly and walked out. Before he left he looked back and said,"If there was one thing you hated all your life, it was to be left alone anywhere and anytime. You are not like that anymore. Anyway, i will be back soon."

And then I was sitting right where I was, but my mind raced. He was so right. As a single kid, i always fought against being alone. If my friends wanted to play with someone else, i would bribe, even plead them to stay. I would give away my toys and promise them a lifetime of fun if they played with me! Thanks to my convincing powers, they believed me. Of course i also delivered what i had promised and since I was a crazy kid, it was not difficult to do! It was not that i didn't have any friends. I had plenty. But i was constantly trying to keep them all together with me all the time. I was never alone. And i was proud of that.

How this habit became a part of me, so deeply ingrained, that i never realized when i was doing things just to please "my friends". I would change all my plans to accommodate them. Even a simple thing like a phone call, was always made by me. But i didn't mind doing it. It was a part of me. They loved being with me and we had loads of fun, so what's the harm in that right? So I kept going down that road. After all I was never alone, and i was proud of that.

Of course, life sometimes hits you right where it hurts, just to show you where you are going wrong. When it decided to hit me, I was dazed. I was the perfect friend! How did this happen. But it did. And like any normal person i reacted with anger and withdrawal. I changed my attitude towards other people and most importantly towards myself. But with this heart breaking incident i discovered myself and most importantly, I discovered the joys of solitude.

I always thought that being alone meant being sad. It meant defeat and rejection. I never realized how satisfying it can be, to be fully aware of yourself and revel in solitude. It soon became an addictive habit. I still love people and love being surrounded by them. But after a while i get restless and this tug in my heart to run away and go back to where i can clearly listen to my thoughts. To be with just myself. And it made me feel calm and good.

Solitude, when it is your own choice is an experience that enlightens you about your own strength. It leaves you feeling strong and good, where you do not need anybody's approval to believe in yourself. I still have several friends. And i can see the difference in me, reflected in their behaviour. Today too I am not alone. But even if I am, I can be happy. And I am proud of that.